Kyle Kaszynski Obituary

"Grief is love with no place to go." Thinking of you and your girls today.

"Mom, how will I know?" I cannot tell you how many times your daughter would ask me that over the years, when I told her she too, would someday be loved like you loved me. She would listen to stories & antidotes about the life we had. And I would always, ALWAYS, tell her what a truly GOOD man you were, & how lucky I was to be married to you. And how someday she would be so lucky to find & have the same.

I have to admit, I worried too. I wondered how in the world would she ever understand, much less have, or replicate what you & I had. Because you were long gone before she could "take notes" about marriage, as she grew up.

Then one day I met this young man at work, & I watched him & how challenges phased him not a bit. And I asked him if he was single, & I told him he should date our daughter. But I simultaneously warned him that if he was looking for someone who was a "princess" or needed "saving", McKenna was NOT his type. Probably not the way you would´ve suggested he date her, but I did the best I could. A few days later, I introduced them & then challenged her to give him her contact information. And here we are, nearly 2 years later & they are both so in love & walking on air. Although she DOES challenge him, no doubt; but like you, he just rolls with it. Even when they ended up in the ER on their first date, when he took her golfing & she accidentally clubbed him in the head, when taking her first swing. I have to say, he´s never taken her golfing again, & his hair still doesn´t grow in that patch. But now they have a great story & they giggle about it.

I watch him watch M & he smiles at her, just like you smiled at me. She can be wearing a dress or cowboy boots & covered in muck, & he looks at her like she hung the moon. And I remember back to a time when you´d do the same for me......

I told M shortly after they started dating that he reminded me of you. And she grinned & I asked her, "You know, don´t you M?" And she looked down & my heart caught when I saw her grin, upon her lifting her face-it was your grin-looking back at me. And I didn´t have to wait for her response. Her smile told me everything.

Here I am-Father´s Day 2025-& of all the things I have done for, or taught our McKenna Rose, as both her mom & dad, this one-Love-has been my greatest challenge. And I hope this is her fairytale-for our little-not-a-princess-but-a-cowgirl, girl. My hope is that she found her true love. I´d feel better if you were here to throw your two cents in on this relationship she´s part of. I know you´d like him. And I KNOW you´d golf with him. Lord knows, she probably shouldn´t!

I´ve always thanked you here for making me a mom. I guess this is the day where I thank you for making me a dad, too. I´ve taught her to drive, change the oil in my truck, hook up the horse trailer, fence, & throw a punch (complete with an apology to Mr. B, the principal, for that one...)-all "dad" things. Each lesson, I knew you would´ve done it better.

I had never been a dad before 12/22/2005. In all this time, I have done the best I could, Ky. I tried. And for the most part, I´m certain she´ll be successful, as she makes her way toward adulthood.

But I feel like I failed M that there was never a dad in her life, as she grew up. And yet, there would have been no way that you would´ve or could´ve been replaced. I tried to the best of my abilities to give her the world. But I couldn´t give her that.

She wished me a Happy Father´s Day today, as she always does, each year. But there´s this undertone to it that makes me wince. It stings. It hurts. And it hurts the most, knowing she´ll never really know her dad. That on her biggest day of life-getting married-there will be this hole that cannot be filled. And already, I´m in mourning for that.

We love you Ky. We both wish you a Happy Father´s Day. And we both wish you were here to go golfing with M & her Love......

All our love,
K & M

I´m sitting beside a window right now, in the deepest part of night, listening to the rain patter upon the leaves of summer. Memory after memory our life together, falling faster than the rain.

I remember waking to a flawless Minnesota day, with the brilliant early summer sun warming my face, as I lay supine deep beneath the bedclothes. I was getting married today. I was so excited. In a few short hours, I was going to become Mrs. Kristen Kaszynski. I couldn´t wait to change my name, so that I could wear it as proudly as the diamond you gave me.

Although the diamond no longer rests upon my hand, I sometimes look at it & recall the steadiness of your voice as you said your vows, while sliding it upon my hand. To this day, it still fits.

How cliche it is to wonder where the time went. But I do. It is a time capsule filled with a lot of joy, beauty, laughter, challenges and love, courtesy of our daughter. I am ever so grateful for her. Thank you.

The rain seems to be retreating. But I hear one steady drop repeatedly falling upon the ground. And when I close my eyes & listen to it, I imagine I can see my heart releasing my grief just like that of the rain. Drop by drop. Even after all this time. Drop by drop.

When I met you, I shook your hand & looked up into those fathomless hazel eyes you had, & I knew I would love you for forever. And you grinned. Because you knew it too.

I still do. 28 years later-I´m still here. Still loving you. Still so grateful we became part of each other´s lives-however brief. But that time was far richer than some people ever find once in a lifetime. What fun we had.

Later today, M & I will be meeting up with your family members to celebrate a graduation. And I will see the ghostly impression of you in their facial features, their laughter, their smiles. I cannot think of a more fitting way to acknowledge the life we created-than to see the Kaszynski´s.

As you would say, "I loves ya."
Happy 28 years.

Oh my beautiful McKenna, you are 22 years old tonight. 22 years. Those years have slipped past me faster than water through my hands.

You know McKenna Rose, upon hearing the news that your dad was gone, I was submerged into a world of grief. Disbelief. Numbness. Agony. Yet while all that was tumbling through me, I recall having the strangest thoughts too. I remember snuggling with you on the steps to the second floor of Hammond Hill that night, & explaining to you that your daddy would finally understand what the color red looked like. That his headaches would be gone. That he would always be beside us, even when we couldn´t see him. I kept reassuring you with all of these positive thoughts.

And now.....on the night of your birthday & you´re a grown up, I can confess some other thoughts I had too.....it had to do with your dad´s musical taste. I remember thinking I wouldn´t be hearing Toto or Styx or the numerous other groups from the 70´s and early 80´s your dad LOVED & drove me nuts over. Lord, how I would roll my eyes when your dad played "his music". I thought if I never played them around the house or the truck, you´d miss that particular back story about your dad & you´d be none the wiser.

Well....you got me there, didn´t you???? When you & I are traveling somewhere together & I hear your dad´s music coming from your phone over the speakers, I start to smile. Then I giggle. Then I laugh. The jokes on me. You are definitely your dad´s girl, aren´t you? I have no idea how or who filled you in on his musical taste, but I know he´s thrilled that the legend lives on through you. (Snicker. Snicker.)

I am so proud of you McKenna. I think this past year is probably one where I saw the most growth in you. You have really tackled challenge after challenge & let nothing stand in the way of your goals. I am absolutely amazed at what you´ve accomplished personally, professionally & academically. Because I am your mom, I´m always going to worry about you. I´m always going to want to make things easier for you. But I respect your desire to learn the hard way-you wouldn´t be our daughter if you learned any other way. I´m so excited to see what this next year will bring you.

Happy Birthday McKenna Rose!!! And don´t forget to crank up the tunes in your truck....

Love you always,
Mom

I do not understand myself these days. I´m struggling to find a place in this world. More so now than when you were first gone. I think because everything was so fresh & raw & I had a soft place to land being a new widow with a toddler. That was my label & my "job" all summed up in a tidy package. Between your family, my family, our immediate friends & the entire law enforcement world that you had connections with, I was supported.

As time has gone on, those threads have stretched, thinned out & then broken. Some other people´s doing, but mostly I´m responsible for that. I pulled away. I withdrew. It was simply too painful to withstand being around your family. All of your living family members have some mannerisms or laughter or facial features that were ghosts of you. Karla called today & through my tears I tried explaining to your oldest sister how that kind of agony never goes away. Not even now. 18 years later. I assured her that I loved them all. But for my own sanity, my own peace, I had to have distance.

Maybe that´s why I´m such a distance runner. There´s a mental process to running 13.1 miles. And as I´ve written here before, mile eight fells me at the knees, every single time. There´s no one there at mile eight. No cheering. No flags. No sound. Just your breathing. You´re past the point of "medic out". You´re your worst enemy. You´re between the start & you´re a hell of a grind from the finish. It´s all on you to find the guts to grind it out. You grit your teeth & settle in to fight yourself.

For some reason, this past 24 hours has been my mile eight, this year. Every step weighed pounds. Everyone around me was fighting their own fight, finishing their own race toward holiday get togethers. Me? I just put my head down & focus my entire being in getting past this time of year. I grit my teeth & smile with my brave face. After all, that´s what everyone has come to expect.

Last night at 12:02am, I lit a fire. I popped open a Mike´s & toasted you through the heavy fog that lay in rippling folds around me. I sat there & cried. I begged you to come home. And in my agony, I looked skyward & that´s when I heard it; coyotes. They started serenading me. On & on they howled. I got my answer. You were home. You were doing your best to let me know that even during mile eight, you´ve got my back. Did you know Ky, that coyotes are so devoted to their mates, that if one is trapped, the other will bring it food & lie beside it until it is gone? That´s not just love or devotion. That´s dedication to see the end all the way through. They put their suffering aside & try to alleviate their mate´s suffering. They love them through the worst possible thing that could happen to them both-separation.

I´m so grateful to those people who reached out to us today. I´m grateful that you are not forgotten. That you are still so loved by so many. In some instances, 18 years has gone by in a blink. And in others? I feel like the starting line is just behind me & my journey is about to begin.

I promise I will now listen with a more attentive ear to the coyotes.

Loves ya.
Kristen

Today I came to the sad realization that I am part of a long history, centuries old, of women who sent their men off to war, only to never have them cross their threshold again. This country was built on the men who stood up & said, "I´ll go. I´ll take up arms & fight the good fight." It was also built on the supportive women who helped them pack, & watched them head off to war without looking back at their wives, their children, their home.

I wonder how many there are of us widows, when counted up, over the centuries? Unfortunately this country has been fraught with war both on its turf & off, since the beginning. It´s been costly. There isn´t a family in our history that hasn´t had some distant loved one take on the responsibility of taking up arms & possibly laying down their life.

I´m sitting here on the porch tonight, hearing the fireworks going off & watching them tumble across the starry sky. My eyes swivel over to our flag bolted to the porch, unfurling in the swaying breeze. And I see beauty in that flag. Every time I see our American flag, I think of that moment when I laid my head down on your flag-draped coffin & welcomed you home to American soil. My tears falling on that flag. That flag that would be later folded & handed to me.

Thank you for your service, Kyle. To your family, your community, your fellow law enforcement colleagues-of all branches, & to your country. Thank you for really making me fall in love with our American history, before you became part of it.

I´m proud of our flag because of you; you always had such pride in it, pride in being an American, & you loved the Fourth of July, & your country. Every time I see one, no matter when I am, I see you in it. You, & countless others are wrapped up in the red, white & blue.

Now that´s love.

All my love,
K

I thought of you a lot today. You made me smile. 26 years ago today, my entire journey in this life was changed by committing my life to yours. "I" became "We". It was a beautiful day, from beginning to end. And now that I think about it, we absolutely grinned the entire day; we had this secret from the world-we had eloped-in the most perfect setting...along the north shore.

I knew it that day. I knew how it was going to end. I knew I´d get that knock at the door. I just didn´t know the form or specifics. But I knew it was ahead of us. I recall sitting in that cafe along Canal Park Drive, watching you bob your head along with the soft jazz that was playing in the cafe as we shared our wedding cake of desert. I recall feeling a trickle of dread slither through me. I knew it. I knew I was going to give you up to God sooner, rather than later. I reached for your hand & you looked over at me & smiled & I closed my eyes & memorized the weight of your hand in mine.

December 31, 2005, was the last time I held your hand. Steve, from Gill Brothers, allowed me to see & hold your hand a final time. I held your right hand. The hand I held the night we got married, the hand that I held through laboring as McKenna was born, the hand that always held mine when we drove together or walked into a place together, the hand that would lightly caress & balance on the small of my back.

I don´t know if you know this, but I still reach for your hand when I drive. I know it won´t be there. But I still reach.

26 years ago lead to today. You gave me such a beautiful life when you were here, Kyle. Even now when you are not physically here, my life is beautiful.

You know Ky, our entire time together, which was under a decade, I cannot think of a day or a time when you weren´t sacrificing yourself for me. And then it was for me & McKenna. Even now, all these years later, when I´ve spent almost twice as long without you than with you, you´re still here, making sure we are looked after in the form of friends checking in on us.

People will say your ultimate sacrifice was dying for your country. No. Your ultimate sacrifice was putting me & McKenna before yourself, day in, day out. Long before you went to Iraq. No matter where you were or what you were doing. Your girls were always first.

Thank you, Ky. Thank you for the life you´ve given us. Every time I hear M´s laughter or see her (your), smile, I give silent thanks. This tiny spitfire cowgirl with her dad´s humor & quick quips, & her mother´s not-so-admirable stubbornness, & long hair, breezes through the farmhouse, with her cowboy boots & spurs on, with new adventures & dreams to tackle, I look down & shake my head & smile with gratitude, & wonder what´s next.

What a life we have. All because of you. I´m so grateful for it all.

Happy Anniversary.
Loves ya,
K

I remember our last New Year´s. I sat beside your coffin and wrote my eulogy for your funeral. It was just you, me & Dave M, who stood guard over you. It was quiet. The lighting subdued, and my thoughts volleying all over the place. I was trying to sum you up in as few words as I could, so I didn´t make your funeral last too long. But as I sat there with you, I stared at my blank journal pages, lost in thought. Recalling your smile, your incredible singing voice, how you always took my hand when you drove the car, your ability to compromise, your devotion to both me & more importantly, McKenna. How you loved sharing ice cream with me, and you would waltz me around our kitchen at midnight, while in our pajamas, the sound of your gear bag hitting the floor at 3AM when you arrived home, and the Velcro releasing your vest as you took it off. And how once I heard that, I could fall safely back to sleep. I sat there and stared at your coffin and tried to get my head around what was happening to us. I was trying to adjust to fast-approaching midnight and 2006, and I was responsible for leaving people with lasting thoughts of you; as well as starting a new year without you.

Midnight came, because Dave´s watch sounded an alarm and he excused himself to wish his wife a Happy New Year. I caressed your coffin and wished you a Happy New Year too. I relished in the quiet, and that for the first time since you were returned to us, I didn´t have to share you with the SPPD, or family. It was you and I.

And then it came to me, and I started to write your eulogy. A love letter of sorts. A love of you. A love of our life. And a love of our daughter.

A few days later, I stood up in front of 1,300 people and gave that eulogy. I cannot tell you much about it, except I made people laugh. And how when I heard the bagpipes, I felt the floor rise up to meet me, and Daryl caught me.

Weeks later, a girlfriend of mine told me that from her view at the funeral, it didn´t even look like I was at your funeral. She looked at me and asked, "Kristen, where were you?" And I smiled and said, "Oh Cathy, don´t your know? I was with Ky. I was in a beach in Dubai."

Sometimes I am still there; on that beach in Dubai. I remember the deep turquoise-blue of the gulf. And how we just sat side by side in silence and held hands. It was enough to be together. It was enough to be us.

Happy New Year, Ky.
I´ll meet you on the beach.

Loves ya.
K

Ky,

A newel post brought me here today. Do you remember how I used a crowbar & a hammer to pull it free from its mooring in the old farmhouse we lived in Savage, MN, before purchasing Hammond Hill? You laughed at me when I came home dragging it with me as a souvenir from our little suburban farm-newel post slung over my shoulder & in my other hand, the crowbar.

And yet, for all of the refinishing of antiques I did over the years for Hammond Hill, the newel post stood in dusty sentinel in our hay shed, left untouched.

Until this week.....

I cannot tell you why I started stripping away the layers of paint. And in doing so, it struck me that I could be erasing your very fingerprints. For I well remember standing with you in the hall of that farmhouse, & your hand resting upon the post. We´d stand there & talk & come & go & always balance our hands atop that post as we passed.

I´ve refinished countless antiques over the years, & this by far was most challenging. Not only because it was round, but because of the memories it evoked.

The post is done now; stripped of its paint & its past. It stands sentinel in the basement, awaiting its next life. I balanced my hand atop it when finished, & it was almost like I was holding your hand.....

It seems silly & insignificant to leave this missive here. But at the same time, I think you´d understand.

I simply miss you Ky.

Your words really touch me and are beautiful. I like reading what you write to remember you and Kyle. I know we didn't get to spend a long time together, all of us, but I really miss it and what would be! You, McKenna and Kyle are always on my mind. It would be wonderful to see you and see McKenna as a young woman. We are all well, thank you for asking!

Love to you,

Gina

Gina, I want to thank you for your kind words left here. I think of all of you often & hope all is well.

My best to you!

From the start of our journey, I realized how lucky we were to have found one another. Some people search their entire lives & never find the love we had for nearly a decade.

I treasured you Kyle.
I still do.

I treasure the memory of your incandescent smile. Your laughter. The feel of your hand in mine. How your eyes would glow when they looked upon McKenna or me. And your voice.....how when I heard it reading to McKenna at night, I would smile & be so grateful for what we had between the three of us. We were a family.

25 years ago today, we gave our lives to one another. We started this incredible journey, that to this day, leaves me in awe. You´re still with me on this journey...for I take you along in my heart. For there you will stay forever.

With you, I am home.

Ky, you will always be my "Forever": no matter how many years pass.

Happy 25th Anniversary Ky.
Thank you for every moment.

Hello My Love,

My thoughts returned again & again to you, today; for its Mother´s Day. Thank you for making me a mom; it has been my greatest adventure . I do not need to tell you what a gift McKenna is, for I am certain you know.

"For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also." MATT 6:21

And I so treasure you both.

M & I laughed together over some funny stories that pertained to you & me as a couple, today. She was telling me how she couldn´t figure out our marriage proposal story, when she was a child, & the ring sinking into the depths of the cake, until she started eating tiramisu....then when she started ordering it wherever we went, she began to understand how my perfect proposal went south-so to speak. But it worked out anyway, didn´t it?

You made me a mom, Kyle. For the rest of my life, you have left your imprint in every corner of my heart. I will always be grateful for you in my life-but especially for this beautiful creature that makes my life worth living. If not for McKenna, I am certain I wouldn´t have survived losing you. She was the only reason I lived through my darkest hours December 22, 2005.

I love you Ky. You continue to bring me joy & love in the form of our beautiful daughter. My greatest treasures are you & McKenna. What else could there possibly be?

Love you,
K

Kristen, I think of you, McKenna and Kyle often, you are all in my prayers. Your writing is beautiful, and a special way to remember Kyle. Thank you for sharing it with us. Sending love your way now and always!!

Gina & Paul Kuntz

Thank you for your service for this country. You are respected and we appreciate everything you did for this country. I have heard a lot about you through your daughter. She is strong and is gonna make you proud. May you rest peacefully knowing you passed doing something great for this country.

I have been thinking of Chicago lately & the charmed life we led while living there. How we would walk the downtown streets in the dark holding hands, we´d split a gin & tonic, the drink as tart as the jazz music we´d listen to. The tang of a shared cigar between us at Bar Louie´s with some of the guys from the Secret Service, & how our conversations would flow & tumble along with the music. There was always something to talk about & laugh about.

I´ve ached for you for months as of late. I think it´s because our beautiful girl is on her own & I'm left behind in a wake of silence. My job as a parent is now being tested. I have to let go. And in many respects, it´s like letting go of you by degrees, all over again; as she is my link to you.

Do you know I can still feel what it was like to be hugged by you? How safe I would feel in the shelter of your arms. Loved. Cherished. At peace. The feeling has never left me. Even after all these years.

Happy Birthday Ky!!! Know that my thoughts are with you. And so is my heart. The only thing I can send you for your birthday is my undying love.

Happy birthday.
I love you.
K

What a year it has been. We have lost 10 close family and friends over the past year. Starting with Dj´s dad just before Christmas. We held his funeral on Christmas Eve, his favorite holiday. Dj was just strong enough to make it through the day after being hospitalized, the first of many. I felt bad for my little girl as everything happened around her birthday. It was the first and only year that I didn´t think of you and your girls. I could say so much but you already know. I only see blessings and Gods grace through all of this sadness. I lift up a prayer for your girls whenever I think of them or when I wear the "McKenna" necklace. I made it from McKenna´s butterfly keychain she gifted me at our wedding. Merry Christmas Kyle.

I get lost in thought these days; deep introspective reflections of the highs & lows that come with raising a girl to become a woman. On any given day I see the spritely child, mixed with flashes of adulthood that our daughter displays when she thinks no one is watching. She´s striving to find a balance within herself, & so am I. I am trying to let go. But it´s grudging, at best. I cannot help but worry about McKenna & all the little "loopholes of adulthood" that are bound to crop up as she tackles her newest horizons. What haven´t I taught her that she needs to know in order to be a success? I wish you were here to fill in the gaps that are bound to show themselves. I realize that M is going to face some hard decisions & make mistakes; but that doesn´t stop me from wanting to be her safety net. From wanting to catch her fall.

She graduated. And some of your dearest friends showed up in uniform, in your honor & hers. She was left speechless upon seeing them. Whereas I traveled backward to the last time I saw these gentlemen in uniform, escorting us through our first milestone without you. It wasn´t that long ago. And yet it is.

I wonder if I´ll ever stop grieving for you? I think grief is my life-long companion . Sometimes grief is right in step with me, sometimes it sits beside me as I watch M ride horses, or perhaps when she crosses another milestone. It´s always there. Always uninvited. Always present.

"Always" was part of marriage vows Ky. I had no idea this is what it meant.

I love you Ky.
Always.
K

Hi dad
I miss you so much. I turned 18 the other day! I´m an adult now. That´s crazy.

I won state champion last year, on my own horse that I bought. I rode with your saddle pad. Now I have your polos too (yes the ones you smuggled away from the police department. I know your secret haha). Little Bit wears them when we rope or warm up at rodeos. I think you´d like him. He's spunky and has such a big personality.

I got into my dream college. NDSU rodeo team next fall! I´m majoring in ranch management. I´m getting my stats up so I can rodeo professionally in the summer.
I wish you were here. It would be nice to talk and to show you the horses.

We miss you every day. Love you lots.
-Your pikachu

I am supposed to be stronger than this day; especially after this much time has passed. I am supposed to be resilient & stalwart. I am supposed to be the person I was 15 years ago. And in many ways I am; I’m still shell shocked that you are gone from our lives. But my resilience isn’t what it used to be. Moments catch me sideways, & I'm left scrambling for control. It usually centers around our daughter. Her dry wit is you. Her curls are you. Her sardonic smile is most definitely you. Her gift for music is you. Her intelligence is you. Her love for our horses is us both. She’s extraordinary, Kyle. She’s everything you dreamed she would be.

She misses her dad.
And so do I.

I have my cigar ready for tonight....as I always do on this day. I’ll be watching the stars tumble across the sky, & I’ll do my damndest to be that stalwart woman I was on 12.22.05, as I light my cigar & pay homage to a man I was lucky enough to call mine for nearly 10 years.

I love you Ky.
I hope I’m doing you proud.

Loves ya,
K

Today was always my favorite holiday to share with you and your family; the windows of every room would be lit to a soft glow. Cars lined the streets and upon entering the house, we would be welcomed with open arms. The noise from conversations and laughter would get progressively louder as darkness fell. The kitchen table held the dishes from each of us, and the dining room table would be filled with smiling faces & stories of holiday's past & family adventure. I would always sneak upstairs & sit on your bed, look down upon the street, & listen to the din of noise from below. I would sit in the darkness & smile that I was truly home for the first time in my life. I was a Kaszynski.

I miss it. I miss it all. That house was always so special to me. It sheltered my favorite memories and my favorite people. It isn't "ours" to go home to, & hasn't been so for nearly a decade. But I haven't forgotten it. Or forgotten how I came to call it home.

Oh how I wish I could travel backward in time to a time & place when that house sheltered us all. When I could sit down at the table, & you would lean over & whisper "Happy Thanksgiving" in my ear & squeeze my hand & I would be home.

And there is no place like home.
Happy Thanksgiving Ky.
Love,
K
K

You know what I remember the most about today on 9-11-01? Heaviness. I remember heaviness. A certitude that I would lose you. This weight that centered itself over my heart & nestled itself into the fabric of my soul. Complete & total loss. I looked at you differently from this day forward. I looked at you like I would lose you.

There are thousands & thousands of us that are woven together by grief that all began on this day. And what a tapestry we make.

You are still so missed.
You are still a hero.
You are still loved, Ky.
K

I don't know what made me think of you tonight. Even though we worked a short time together at St. Paul PD, you made a huge impact on my career there. I will never forget the night Tra and I had to go to your parents home before your service. They were so proud of you and told us how much they loved you.

Just wanted to let you know that you and your family are still in my prayers.

Peace brother.

Mick, Former SPPD officer

Seattle, WA

Happy 51st birthday ..... Thinking of you.

Thinking of you. It's hard to believe that 11 years have passed. I think of you often. Give Mom a hug for me every day please!

Merry Heavenly Christmas!

10 years ago we lost a very special son/brother/husband/dad/friend. I think of you so much and miss you so much.

Peace.

Thinking of you and all that you have missed on earth. Thinking how I wish you were still here for your girls. They need you so much. I wish I wasn't so far away so I could help them more.

I also need to say thank you for taking Mom under your wing and showing her the ropes in heaven. I miss her so much but know she is in good hands.

Merry Christmas in heaven my friend! !

Suzanne

Kyle,

We served together briefly in Chicago but you earned my respect and my trust.

I have every confidence you are in a better place, so I am writing this for your family and your loved ones. They are are in my thoughts and prayers today.

Brother, you are not forgotten.

Most sincerely,

Sam Shaus

Happy Birthday. You would have been 49 today. Thinking of you.

She is simply amazing, our daughter. She is buoyant and beautiful. Both fearful and courageous. But today she was quiet and still. She knows what this day means. As I drove with her in the truck today, I looked up in the rear view mirror and watched her tears slowly course her cheek, like the rain outside the window she looked out of.

I had to grit my teeth, swallow my sorrow, and look ahead.

Which nicely sums up what my life became after our world was torn apart by the IED that took you on this day.

When your friends and colleagues crossed our threshold on December 22, 2005, they brought with them, sorrow. And although they moved on, sorrow did not.

And you know what? Me, who loves to play with words, can never sufficiently describe what sorrow is like to live with. Even now, nine years later, sorrow at times fells me at the knees. And it almost always centers on this beautiful, buoyant creature your daughter is. She is all of these incredible mixes of you and I, and no matter what I do or say, there is no one like a little girl's daddy to chase sorrow away.

There have been some incredible challenges that have come with living as she and I do. But the one I struggle with the most is the yawning emptiness of sorrowful space an eleven year old girl carries for her daddy.

And there is no looking away from that.

No matter how much time passes.

Love,
K

Happy Birthday Ky!

You would be 48 today. I try to imagine what 48 would look like on you. How deep your laugh lines would be, or how much gray hair you would have. I wonder what kind of stories you would have to tell, or if you would still chuckle and say, "Good humor." I wonder at what kind of relationship you would have with McKenna. She has your eyes you know, and when they glow with laughter, I think about how much you should be here to see and hear her. She is simply amazing.

If only....

Rather than allow myself to become too maudlin, I will instead wish you a happy, happy day. And again thank you for sharing your family, your life, and as well as leaving me McKenna Rose as reminder of your love.

You are missed by countless people Ky.
Happy Birthday!
Love,
K

Happy Birthday my BEAUTIFUL M!!!

On your birthday, and again yesterday, my mind with filled with thoughts of you and your dad.

There's times now when you ask about him. About what he sang, or how he laughed. Rarely, do you ask what kind of daddy he was. I can tell you this beautiful girl, he was an amazing daddy! He was SO dedicated to be a great dad. He was gentle, and patient, and you made him laugh easier than anyone else did. You were his pride. His joy. You were his everything.

And you still are.

Don't ask me how I know. But I do. I just know he's been there when you felt like you didn't have a dad. He's been there to watch you tackle new ideas, new experiences, and when you are frustrated by what life hands you. This summer when you were racing around on your pony, or my horse, hair flying back, wind in your ears, smile on your face, he was there. He was there when you smiled proudly, or cried sadly. I believe he's been there for more moments than I can recall. And it isn't just because we carry him in our hearts or in our conversations. It goes deeper than that. You are just going to have to find that faith.

I have been savoring each passing moment as you and I near the teenage years. I am starting to see the "rumblings" that foretell what I have in store for me in a very short while. And not a lot of it do I relish. I see that you are stubborn, and hard-headed. I see that you refuse to knuckle under to pain or pressure. I see that you are me. And I would rather you were more like your dad. I hope that the compassion I see in you, the willingness to help the wounded, the patience you have with those around you, your quicksilver laughter, and your absolutely outstanding singing voice are all reflections of your dad.

Have you ever held sand in your hand M? Watched it slip between your fingers? That's how I feel about your childhood you are quickly leaving behind you. And suddenly all the days I rued being a single parent I want back. I want to do them better. I want to hold onto the last of this. Because too soon from now, I'll be letting you go to try your wings. It's scary. It's worrisome and I constantly second guess what I am doing as your mom and your dad. I hope someday when you find countless entries I have left here, you will understand I did my best for you and your daddy.

I miss him so much. I just hope I do justice as to why, so that you understand the man we all knew, loved and continue to miss.

I am SO PROUD of you. Of all that you have accomplished so far. And all that you will in the future.

Again, I know your daddy does too.

Sometimes M, it's all about faith. Even for me.

So get out there and grow up fearlessly my beautiful girl. You are doing us both so proud M. I will continue to do what I can to slow down the slipping sand. I will do what I can to find the strength to let you go. Be patient with me little girl. I am doing what I can to let go and trust. To not immediately rush to your rescue, but to let you stand up and brush yourself off first when you hit the dirt.

I am going to hold onto these days of childhood and annoy you endlessly with my want of hitting the brakes on the future. Sorry about that. I am pretty sure every parent goes through this. But I am doing it for two parents. Be all the things your dad is M when dealing with me. That's all I ask.

I love you my 11 year old.
I wish you could stay this way forever.

Love,
Mommy

They retired Blackjack... Memories of you and that horse came flooding back.

Tonight I sat on the stairs with my son and we talked about how hard life is sometimes...how sometimes you can't make the sad in your heart go away...how sometimes you just have to let it be there and leave it be. After he went to bed, I couldn't help but remember how you would sit with me on the back stairs and talk with me about the same things. You had a way of listening that never made me feel ashamed. I miss you Kyle...I wish my kids could have known you in the same way that I did.

Oh this day. This painful, painful, day. When the darkest time of the year also weaves its way into my deepest heart.

I have received many sentiments from friends afar today. They, too, miss their friend. You made such a positive impact on people's lives while you were here on earth. And in your very human humbleness, you never realized how much.

At times, I still yearn for the numbness that came along with the grief upon the knock at the door that changed our lives this December day. There are minutes or even days when exhausted by single parenting, I yearn for the super-human strength I found within myself back then to parent. There are times when bolstered by success or faltering with failure, that I still seek your wisdom or approval. I have learned that those feelings will never completely leave me as I navigate McKenna through this world. I do believe she is growing into the person you wanted her to be. I do hope that you are as proud of her as I.

Something is different this year Ky; M and I both laughed today. True laughter. The kind that fills the heart and tickles the very edges of the soul. And when those moments passed, I marveled afresh at the very possibility that M and I are going to be okay. Together, she and I have found laughter. We will survive your physical absence. Because we know you're never far away from us; for you are within our hearts. It was with certainty today that I felt your approval that we are finding celebratory moments we never thought we'd find again on December 22, 2005.

And when I looked into M's eyes today, seeing your eyes looking back at me, I grinned.

And it didn't hurt.

Love,
K

The other night Dj and I sat in our living room talking. He starts his music up and starts jamming away. After a moment of the next song, he stops and smiles, then says "you know what this is....." Umm no sorry. "This is Kyles favorite song." I had no idea this particular song was your favorite. He continued to share his story and it brought me back to that little farm oh so many years ago.

You are deeply missed by many. Today especially by the two closest to you. I pray for them often. I know you are with them and watching over them. The holidays will never be the same for them. I pray for peace and understanding. Peace to enjoy each other and Christmas. To see your gifts from above, the whispers and silent messages. Understanding to know that God had a plan for you and he has one for them now too. It may not be what the heart and mind wants but what is to be. That is the toughest part.

May they go through today with little heart ache.

You and many other loved ones have the best seat this holiday season celebrating our Lords birth.

Merry Christmas Kyle!

I'm ashamed to say that I never really thought about it until tonight; when McKenna jumped up to give me a spontaneous hug, and fit her little body into the shelter of my arms and squeezed me tight. The kind of thing a child does in a unrestrained moment of happiness. I held her and hugged her back and breathed in deep her flowery scent and smiled to myself.

It struck me broadside then.

You cannot do the same.

I started thinking of all of the hugs M has given me over the years since your absence. It must be in the thousands. Of all the times I have kissed her hurts away, or shared in a moment of victory, assured her fears away, or just giggled and tickled her while I held her in my arms.

It's now that time of year I dread. Where odd little things pop up to remind me of where we were and where we are now. And I always lament at what we've lost.

Rarely have I thought about what you've lost.

I have always imagined this place of perfect peace for you. Where you are part of something my very human mind simply cannot imagine. But never have I imagined a world without McKenna's hugs.

Until tonight.

My hope for you is that you can feel them too, whenever you want. A daddy should have that. Always. But I'll hug her for you too, Ky.

I promise.

Love,
K

9/11

It used to be that 911 was a way to save ourselves or others from hurt, harm, fire or even death. Now to our country it represents something completely different; 9/11. How over 3,000 people perished on this day, and eventually this act became a catalyst for war.

911.

It used to be that I could page you 911 while you were at work or away from the farm, and you knew I needed you to come to my aid immediately.

There have been countless moments in nearly eight years when I wished for the ability to page or call you 911 and have you come to the rescue. Even now, I have a difficult time getting my head wrapped around the idea of our safety net no longer catching our fall.


Today turns the memories in my mind of how our lives were changed too, on this day twelve years ago. It was the beginning of a journey with an unhappy ending. As these people, these victims, take time today in New York City to publicly announce and mourn their loved ones, I understand their grief and loss. And I am certain they understand my desire to simply dial 911 and be rescued from this altered life.

Miss you.
Love you.
K

There came a knock at the door just a moment ago & left in the wake of a stranger a package addressed to me. Upon opening it, I delved inside and beneath the packing peanuts a three sided box. McKenna and I looked at each other, "A flag," she said quietly. I simply nodded.

With knife in hand, I carefully cut free the cardboard. And there caught in the half light of an oncoming rain storm was a beautiful cherry box. I stepped away as though slapped, and began to shake and cry. Inside was a folded flag. Outside an engraved plaque that stated "This flag was flown over the US Dept of State in honor of Kyle Kaszynski." Along with a beautiful letter stating that there is a memorial wall placed by the State Dept.'s Bureau of International Narcotics & Law Enforcement Affairs Memorial Wall, with your name upon it.

McKenna, of course, wants to go to D.C and place her hand upon it, and honor her dad.

Whereas I still feel your name carved deep within the recesses of my heart. And no wall, no memorial, no folded flag can come close to how that feels.

We still love you.
We still miss you.
And believe me, we still mourn you Ky.

Love,
K

Nearly eight years and still we cry over you, or the absence of you. A life changing moment occurred yesterday in which had you been here you would've called and given congratulations. One of our best friend's became a grandparent to the most beautiful little girl.

And once again, we lamented our loss of you to celebrate this milestone with us. And once again we are met with both silence and longing.

It's that slap in the face and the choking lump of the throat that comes with the realization that our lives will be dotted with moments like this for the rest of our life.

I thought that enough time had lapsed by now that my heart would not be caught off guard as easily as it did the first few years. Yesterday was another humbling example of how wrong I was.

Love,
K

Sometimes, there is no words that can be written to fully encompass a moment or milestone. Today is one such day.

Happy Birthday Ky.

Love,
K

Oh M, here we are....
You are ten.
A decade.
A lifetime.
And yet there's so much more living you have yet to do. I wish your daddy was here to see it all. I know you do too.

You know, I thought I was prepared to really welcome your tenth birthday in with open arms. And it got me to thinking what I would leave here for your annual birthday letter....that was until I perusing the birthday card section and I thoughtlessly plucked out a "For Our Daughter" card....

And then it hit me....
There is no "Our Daughter" moments in which your dad and I can look at each other and laugh, or roll our eyes, or just sigh....I have had those moments strike me countless times in seven years. Moments that left me spinning and speechless. Moments where I actually knuckled under and called someone to mourn the loss of your dad and all that was missing in your life.

I stood there, card in hand, and saw your last few years of just you and me spin past me in a kaleidoscope of color and motion. And I mourned the loss you'll feel for the rest of your life of those moments, big and small, in which he's not there.

And you both should've known each other longer.

But I am still here. Still cheering you on, having pillow fights, and yelling over no hot water, you eating the last piece of chocolate, and giggling with you over life's silliest moments. And no, I am not a dad, but I do the best I can. I hope someday you'll see that. And I hope that you'll forgive those pause's in life when I need to grab some air, sigh, and look skyward.

I have said from the start of this journey in 2005 that I never would know what would be worse; you remembering your daddy or starting to forget. I have decided it is the forgetting that is the worst. By far. There are those around us who happily share stories about your dad. I told you one tonight. How on this night ten years ago we brought you home from the hospital. The night in which your dad said we went from "us" to "family" with your arrival. It was a very powerful statement. And it still holds true. We are still a family. It's just that the borders of it have broadened and encompass more than what we started out with. I hope someday you'll appreciate that.

Happy birthday McKenna. Happy Valentine's Day.

Your daddy still loves you M.
And I always will too my darling girl.
My ten year old.
And your dad's ten year old too...

Love you,
Mommy

Yup. Another year, another Christmas. You are still in our thoughts, memories triggered by a moment, an event. Christmas evening and your nieces went out to party with friends instead of going to a movie with their Uncle Kyle.

Miss you.

Peace.

Kyle,

We served together very briefly in Chicago but you and your family are remembered in my thoughts and prayers.

Sam

You cannot miss her, she's easy to find. The free spirit with the countless animals at her feet, all while she plays her bass guitar....Introduce yourself. You now have a friend that knows the music you like, and better yet, you have found someone to sing with!

Love,
K

So this is the day. A day that leaves me with a flurry of emotions. The realization that I have made it further than I thought ever possible not so many years ago; mixed with the knowledge that I will surpass you in age by this time next year. At each day's end this year, as the sun nods its head toward the earth, I too will nod in acknowledgement. The recognition I am one step, one second, one breath closer to closing the gap on our shared age.

The birthday gift I never wanted.

Love,
K

I am often reminded of you, McKenna and Kristen. It comes to me in a look, a smile from a stranger, a song, animal or picture that triggers a memory. I realized today that this amazing gift that was given to us, came to us on your birthday. A blessing from the heaven's. C

Happy Birthday Kyle (a day late)!!! Think of you often!!!

Suzanne

Jane,

I Do remember you. Kyle spoke of you often and well of you. I thank you for your kind remembrance. For I do hope someday that McKenna will read entry after entry about her dad and come to know a man we were lucky enough to have pass through our lives.

I wish you well.
And I thank you!
Kristen

Happy 46th Ky...

And yet you are still 39.

This day was celebrated with family, love and gifts when you were a child. But really, it is those of us who knew you that were gifted with your presence on earth for 39 short years.

I raised my eyes to the stars tonight and wished you well on this date. And in the same breath, looked higher still and thanked God that you were ever in this life at all. For your greatest gift you left me, was tucked beneath the covers dreaming the dreams that only little girls can have; while I stood in the silent, crisp cold and gazed upward.

Thank you.

Love,
K

Happy Birthday, Kyle! I think of you often...

Kristen, I knew Kyle in highschool. I signed this book long ago and although it's been quite a while (years?), I sometimes check back to look at it. Your entries are a heart-warming testimony to a true love that so many never find. I am so happy that Kyle had you while he was on this earth and that he continues to in heaven. He was the sweetest, nicest, most genuine, respectful man...looking at his picture here makes me realize (again) how sad I am we lost touch. Once upon a time, we were very good friends. Thinking back, he was always a much better friend to me than I to him. It wasn't intentional on my part - more like letting the business of life get in the way for me but, he was always so intentional regardless of how busy he was and I recognize that now. Anyway, he deserved the very best in this life and I know he truly found that in you. Again, I'm so happy for him!

Well, I was actually working when the clock changed from 3/3 to 3/4. For whatever reason, I never forgot when his birthday was and my first thought when I noticed the date change was of Kyle. I sent him a little prayer and then thought to check "the book" and I wanted to let both of you and McKenna know he will never be forgotten.

God bless you and may His grace and love continue to strengthen and nourish you as witnessed here in this journal.

Happy Birthday My Darling Girl!

Nine years old today! Another year older. Another year wiser. Another year to reach goals and milestones. And always, I am either beside you or somewhere in a crowd, cheering you on. You are the light and love of my life McKenna Rose. And I cannot imagine how I ever lived without you!

Believe it or not M, I go through growing pains too! It's not always easy to let you go and try new things, or forge a trail of your own making. I hesitate to let go of you...realizing now more than ever, you're marching ahead to adulthood. With, or without me. And someday when you read this, you may think it silly your mother is saying "adulthood" and "nine years old" in same breath. But you see, your largest leap began when I craddled you close and confirmed your daddy's death; something you already knew in your heart. And from that moment on, you've steadily reached outward and upward since then. I frequently forget you're as young as you are, for you are such an old soul. Life does that. And so does death.

I stood in the south pasture tonight at sunset; watching darkness fall, the first star of night rise, and listened to the inhales and exhales of the horses. And I looked at that rising star and thanked your dad for giving me the greatest, most precious gift in you.

I don't need to write how lucky I am M. But someday I want you to read it anyway. And know that I thank BOTH you and your dad for making my life what it is today.

Happy Birthday, Birthday Girl!
I am so PROUD of who you are becoming.

I love you Pea Pod.

Mommy

Finally!!! From now on, a reason to smile on the 22nd of December:

Caleb Paul
Born 12/22/11

Im not sure what brought me to this page. I had forgotten it over the years and now that I came across it nearly chose not to write anything. Not that I did not want to, I'm just not vary good with words, but as I sat here looking out of my squad accross a beautiful blue Christmas day sky I saw a few dozon feet away from me not one but two amazing Bald Eagles perched together in a tree.

I guess I just wanted to say that you are still very much alive in our harts and thoughts. And I have no doubt, if only for a short time, you were right there with me, Pete, Lyle, and Mike as we rose our glasses to your name and laughed just as hard as us as we reminisced of times past.

You are not forgotten by your brothers in blue and you and your family will always be in our thoughts.

Your Good Friend

"Beati Pacifici"

I was lost in thought today. Idly watching the sun track itself across the polished hardwood floors of Hammond Hill. Thinking back to six years ago today. How the last peace I was going to feel for some time, was the seventeen seconds it took for me to leave the library and answer the gentle knock at the back door. And how I staggered backwards, out of Mitch's reach as stepped toward me; the black mourning band on his badge racing through my senses, before his choked whisper did. How I sat stone still at the dining table; watching the time tick, the sun walk the floor, and then looking downward at the phone. I felt I was dueling with time; knowing I had to pick up the phone and destroy the lives of our family and friends, before the media did.

I sat here today and listened to the pressing silence. Welcoming it over the whispered conversations and footfalls that tread here six years ago. Thankful that I had you in my life at all. The greater tragedy, of course, would have been never knowing you or your family. The same family that became my family. The silence today felt more like a sigh. A six year exhale.

Yet, I never cease to marvel at how fickle time is. She pulls me backwards to this agonizing day in 2005, and then just as easily rushes me forward to today. Where I stood outside in the warm sun, and welcomed McKenna off the bus with a large smile and a warm hug. Grateful that today was filled with more smiles than tears. Something I could not begin to comprehend six years ago. Suriving the loss of you was beyond me on this day in 2005.

There are countless people today who looked at the sunrise or star shine and nodded their heads toward heaven. An acknowledgement of your exit of this world. But not an exit of our lives. You are still with us Kyle. In countless ways.

And we are all grateful to God for his sharing of you for as long as He did.

You are honored.
You are missed.
You are loved.

Love,
K

6 years.... still missed.

I think of you often wishing you were still on this earth. I so badly wanted Alex to meet you Uncle Kyle. In my heart I know he will know your spirit because you are watching over him. Thank you for being such a special angel. Merry Christmas Kyle!!! God is so blessed to have you in his house.

Love,
Suzanne

The war in Iraq was quietly declared over today, by Defense Secretary Leon Penetta. As McKenna was climbing into bed tonight,I quietly informed her of that fact. She gave a small hooray and then immediately said, "After nine years, it's over. It's FINALLY over." And while saying her nightly prayers she said, "Please God, let there be no more war. EVER!"

How does that saying go? "From the mouths of babes..."

I hope someday when she read these notes, she'll understand how deeply you believed in what you were doing. Whether the war ended today or not, you were STILL a hero Kyle.

Long before you went to Iraq.

Love,
K

2 Timothy 4:7 "I have fought the good fight. I have finished the race. I have kept the faith."

Good boy Frosty.

Take good care of him Ky. He means the world to me.

Love,
K

Megan,

What a lovely note to receive! It was wonderful to meet you! I do hope we do meet again some day.
Best wishes,
Kristen Kaszynski

Kristina

I'm not sure if you'll see this, but...
I met you yesterday at registration in Fargo. I can't tell you how much your story (and your willingness to share it with a stranger) moved me. And it was a story I needed to hear. For the past few weeks, my husband and I have been getting on each others nerves and I realized how we've been taking each other for granted. How dare I treat my husband like that when you would give anything to bicker over the laundry one more time? So when I got home last night, I snuggled my girls for a long time and made sure my husband knows how much I love, need, and appreciate him. Thank you for giving me the slap upside the head I needed. I hope your run went well today and I really do look forward to seeing your name on the NYT best-seller list some day. I hope for a long, happy, healthy, uneventful life for you and McKenna.

The past few weeks have been a tumult of emotion. For every high there seems to be an equal low. As of late, I have traversed emotional hills that seem to equal what I underwent when you were first gone from our lives. There are times I miss you so much that there is a fierce ache in the very marrow of my soul. And yet you have caused me more reasons to laugh lately, that the tears fairly roll down my face. A nice change, to say the least.

Suzanne and I were speaking of you the other day. Laughing at some of the most poignant moments that we've shared since your death. But also there was a grave pause or two as we well realize how your death has changed the very course of our lives. She and Dan are so excited for their child to arrive this fall. She and I find it so sad that this child will only know you through the stories we tell of you. It is equally sad knowing that Dan never had the chance to meet you. By now, you would have been fast friends. So instead, we are relying on you to whisper in their child's ear. To help him with his first toddling steps, stand watch over his sleeping form as his parents slumber. To encourage him to be brave and explore, because you'll be right there beside him. But you must also whisper to Dan and Suzanne that you are on watch, and not to worry. They know this, but they will be new parents. And new parents always worry. I am sure you remember this from our first few months. You always liked to stand watch. It is good to know you are doing more of the same.

You are missed Kyle. You are mourned. And at times you are laughed at-only because we can't share the laugh with you.

Stay on patrol Ky. And know we are grateful for it.

Love,
K

Dearest Artur Kaszynski,

We so appreciate your thoughtful note. According to our family historian, we also are from Gniezno. We welcome your thoughts and prayers and may God bless you and your family.

With Warmest Wishes,
Kristen Kaszynski

Kyle, I learned from you and your family that the greatest gift we as humans can give or receive is love. And on the day that would have been your 45th birthday, I saw that family love over and over as we mourned the loss of your brother Bruce, and yet celebrated with you, your gain of your brother. All of us spoke of how much fun the two of you will have.

As I told McKenna, for the first time, Bruce will be able to run barefoot through the grass, climb trees, walk among the smooth stones of a creek bottom, or play catch with you. Both of you will have so much to catch up on and celebrate. And that no matter what, we must not be selfish with our own wants, but hand over our love and trust in God without reservation. There IS a reason for everything.

There are times that belief isn't always so easy to live out. As when I saw the ravages of grief and exhaustion etched upon your parent's faces last night. It seems only moments ago when we all stood in their home, reeling from your loss. Now we are there again, drawn together by that love we all have for one another. It is easy to see why all of your brothers and sisters are such a success in their lives-all of you have had some amazing people to model yourselves after.

And yet in all of this, I want to model myself after your brother. This gentle man that had such a warm and loving heart, a delightful smile, a dry sense of humor, and the most wise eyes I have ever seen. Not to mention his ability to "roll" wherever life took him. Bruce is so missed. You both are.

Well, if there is one thing I know, it is this; heaven is going to be one interesting place, for the Kaszynski brothers are together.

Happy 45th Ky!
With love,
K

Thinking of you today with a tear and a smile. Happy Birthday!!! How I wish you were her to share in the miracle that is happening in our life right now. I bet you and Sage are happy to have Bruce with you. Peace be with you and God bless.

I will pray for you to the God by saint Anna Kaszynski. Artur Kaszynski Poland.

After having read all the entries I know that I missed out on meeting a great person. However I have not missed out on meeting the two wonderful women in his life. Kyle your wife is the picture of strength and your daugther is a small bit of sunshine that runs rampt through our town. You would be proud of both of them, rest in peace knowing that they are well and loved.

I said a prayer in honor of you today. I may be unrealistic in thinking that I have an angel in heaven looking after me but I really believe that I do. Once again I will say it, you are my hero, you always will be. Kyle you would be so proud of McKenna. She is such a thoughtful and loving child. Looking at her is like looking at the female version of you. You left a wonderful legacy on this earth in McKenna. Kristen is doing a wonderful job of raising her. Keep on looking out for your girls. They still need you!! May you be at peace. God bless.

An ordinary day today for the rest of the world. But for those of us who knew and loved you, it is a moment or several moments spent in reflection of where life has taken us since then. And oh, what a journey it has been Kyle! I notice most that I laugh more these days. Mostly brought on by McKenna, she has taught me that...for that I am grateful. For a long while after you were gone, I could barely laugh and when I did, it was both forced and restrained. McKenna got me to "lighten up" and giggle. She has grown from being a toddler to a very wise girl. Her humor, intelligence, and wisdom is astounding. And it humbles me that I am daily a first-hand witness to it.

For me, I used to tenaciously cling to the belief that not only could I "do it all;" but that I had to, in order to be a totally independent person and parent. I used to long for those first few weeks of being "Ten Foot Tall & Bullet Proof," after your death, as I used to call it. When I could make endless decisions and numbly carry on without food, sleep or feeling. Slowly, I am learning to accept that in asking for help in this journey, I am not a lesser person, but more. That feeling frustrated, or happy, or love, or laughter doesn't make me weaker, but stronger. I am seeing the beauty in life, laughter, and love again. That it is okay to let go of some moments, but to remember others.

Just today, someone riveted me with the following thought; There is no shame in feeling sorrow for you. For by acknowledging you, I am honoring a person that was worth knowing and loving.

I think the most vivid memory of this day five years ago, was walking down the stairs to answer the knock at the door. I remember a feeling of surreal peace. I was at peace because I knew you had gone home to God. And that I no longer had to worry where you were, or if you were safe. I knew that God had shared you with us long enough...although I have had to remind myself of that countless times in the past five years.

Five years. Wow. In so many ways, it seems like yesterday. And in others, it feels like a lifetime. I suppose it will always feel like that as each day, each year passes. This place in my life where I straddle both the past and the future.

On this milestone day, I sign this with love.
Kristen

Thinking of you both yesterday for many different reasons. You are not ever far from my mind and forever in my heart as one of my heroes..... I know there are 2 other girls who feel the same. Peace be with you on this glorious day.

13.1 miles....She's tougher than nails. Not only as a mother, but as a person.

You are always thought of, spoken of, and missed, my friend.

Peace.....

I played in a band with Kyle back in college days!! It has been so long, I barely remember those days!! The name of the band was Wreckless. You check it out on our facebook page of "Wreckless". I remeber Kyle as a real cool guy and very energetic! Not to mention the guy good sing!! There is a very old photo on facebook with him in it!! What a rocker...........
Just wanted to share my memories of him, and wish my thoughts and prayers to be with his family. God bless.

A tiny angel passed through their hands and into God's, as well as yours....look after her.

Happy Birthday Kyle.
You would have been 44 years old today. Time flies by and you are stuck in 2005. And I still miss you like it was yesterday.

Peace...

Kyle thinking of you today and everyday. Yesterday you and your girls were in my thoughts all day. When I am outside at night I look into the sky and find the brightest star. Knowing that it is you shining down makes me feel more secure in my world. I hope it does the same for the girls. Much missed and loved.

Kristen and McKenna, you are never far from our thoughts, especially at this time!!

We remember Kyle everyday!

Love to you all!

Thinking of you today...

I have learned that time spent with others who understood you is a most enriching time for both McKenna and I. For I can safely talk out current difficulties and past accomplishments with equal aplomb; and it is greeted with sometimes laughter, sometimes silence and sometimes shared tears.

Oh how I have missed you as of late. Today, while driving around the countryside with Gay and McKenna, I battled tears, side by side with a aching heart.

I have come to accept that grief and I will be lifelong companions. At times, grief will only be on the edge of the everyday, like a cloud on the horizon. At other times (like today), it will fall into step with me; and it is then when my head bowed by grief, and my path blurred by tears, that I simply must accept it. As do those around me.

I have had a lot of well-meaning people tell me that I "simply need to move on." There is no such thing as moving on....there is instead moving forward. I have purposely gone on for the benefit of McKenna. And here is where I could rattle off all that I have single-handedly done, and countless things others have done for us or helped us with to get us to this point.

But not anywhere in this process of movement have I not acknowledged how it is that I arrived here.

I became who I am today because of your very entrance into my life. And I must equally acknowledge that I am now who I am because of your exit from my (our) life.

I love you. It is as simple and as complicated as that.

You still and always will be my forever.

K

What a beautiful weekend spent among both family and friends. In my heart I knew you were among us, most especially seeing you reflected in McKenna's eyes. Despite the ache that resides soul-deep, I smile; because I still see and feel the beauty in the love of those around us who have started their new lives with those ancient sacred vows.

Loves ya,
K

We laughed, we cried, we smoked some great cigars....and through it all, I was reminded again and again who true friends and family are.

Thank you for the lesson. Difficult as it was....

Much love,
K

McKenna's 'someday' came and I had to say 'No.'

May 30th, 2009: She got her first pony.
June 2nd, 2009: I noticed her first freckles coming out across her nose.....
June 3rd, 2009: She graduated today-from Kindergarten!

A happier child could not be found today, as she rode her pony after school, and celebrated summer as only a child can. And yet through it all, she remembers you and includes you by name. She misses you so much Ky.

As do we all.
K

Yesterday, as McKenna and I were walking hand in hand, she looked up at me and asked, "Mom? Do you suppose someone will fall in love with us both someday and want to marry us?"

Oh be still my heart.....

I paused, and gave her a bit of a squeeze and assured her that someday, with your help, someone would come along and love us.

I think that's the single-most difficult thing I have had to say to our daughter in quite some time.

Love you,
K

The bagpipes echoed and re-echoed throughout the building, their music bouncing off the walls, vibrating through the floor, finding its way to my heart. I bowed my head in grief, vividly recalling a time when the same music was played in honor of you. There was simply no stopping the tears that coursed down my face tonight. I held tightly to both Paula and Mike, my human anchors, as I tried not to be swept away by wave after wave of grief.

There is so much to mourn. There is so much to celebrate. I continue to do both. I have come to the realization I always will.

Much love to you always, my blue line hero.
K

Oh Ky, thank you for being there today to cheer me on. I heard you in the breeze, the birdsong and my own heartbeat. And as I sprinted toward the finish, all I could think about was how my entire life is a race I run for you and Kenna.

I love you.
K

I noticed the first tulip blossom today, the same day as Katie's surgery.....thanks Beautiful, for watching out for her.

Loves ya
K

Thinking of you on this rainy night-just like the spring of 1997, at 'Rosebud's' in downtown Chicago. Loves ya Beautiful.

Watch out for a little angel today, and everyday thereafter.

I just had to put my thoughts down-I heard Avril Lavigne's "When You're Gone" tonight, and like a movie playing inside my head, I could see the first few hours I spent without you replay. Vividly.

I have found that grief is often as, if not more, vivid than real life at times.

Loves ya,
K

As stated by our daugther......

(Big sigh as she is looking into the bathroom mirror.)

"It seems like only yesterday that I turned six!"

After I picked myself up off the floor from the rollicking good laugh she yet again gave me, I had to take a moment and celebrate it with you.

Love you!
K

Last night as Dan and I rode our new quad together for the first time I was thinking of you. As we were cruising down the road I called to the stars, "Happy Birthday Kyle Martin Kaszynski". I just know that you are one of those stars that looks down on us every night. I feel truly blessed to be a part of your 'family' Kyle. God Bless You Hero!!!

Happy Birthday Beautiful! A difficult day for me and the rest of our family. Last night I was thinking back to how I would start looking for your birthday gift as soon as the holidays were over. I was always striving to make each birthday of yours unique. And then suddenly it struck me last evening-all you ever asked for was the love of your wife and daughter. You still have that love, you always will.

Happy Birthday Ky, on what would be your 43rd birthday.

I loves ya so.

My thoughts have been filled with you today. The day that you and I went from being a couple, to a family. I kept thinking of how at the moment of McKenna's birth, you were magically transformed into this amazing daddy. No matter how little sleep you had, nor how hard you worked, you would drop it all for your daughter and your wife.

Our daughter is growing so fast Kyle. It seems at every turn she grows by leaps and bounds, both through pleasure and pain. She leaves me breathless with her views of the world, her friends, her family and most of all, you.

You were always our hero Kyle. You need not have travelled the four corners of the earth to be a hero. You were mine the day she was born six years ago today. And you were hers the moment she looked up into your eyes.

I loves ya so.
K

Merry Christmas my love. We miss you. K

Thinking of you today...sending love to Kenna and Kristin...

Kyle, we will never forget the wonderful person, husband and father you were. You are with us always!

Kristen and McKenna - You are always in our thoughts!

3 years tomorrow.... How time passes. It's so hard to believe that I had just come from visiting with your girls 3 years ago now and you had just left for Afghanistan. I even talked to you on the phone and you sounded happy although a bit sad that you were so far away from Kristin and McKenna. We are so lucky to have you as an angel if we can't have you on earth. Merry Christmas Kyle. We miss you!!

What an amazing gift!! Kristin and McKenna you will have to treasure this quilt. One more way to honor Kyle and he deserved such honor.